so this is it. saw it few months back and it has been stuck in my mind ever since. i've always had so much to talk about myself but never know where to start besides lacking the guts. being frank to random people about myself has always had something to do with my self esteem. don't get me wrong, i love writing very much and had written so much about myself, but hardly anything as personal as above. most of the time i only express my inner feelings ; and i think that's the only thing i don't mind telling the public, because i'm the kind of person who desperately need a space for emotional expression whenever i feel the urge to write (so everything here is freaking raw!), secretly wish whoever involved will be reading it.

i'm not sure if i'll ever regret or even ready to expose myself to the cyber world about something so private but i thought, you only live once. i only live once. and if i don't do it because im afraid of all the comments and judgements people gonna make about me, when else will i have the chance to do it? people won't stop judging. i do it for myself, for my recollection of memories and thoughts that i might look back 10 years later. and i figured there is nothing wrong or to be afraid of. so today i'm gonna toss judgements aside and be who i really am. and this is it, do expect very honest answer from me because afterall, honesty is the one thing that matters a lot to me and the people around me.

DAY 01 CURRENT RELATIONSHIP

as much as i hate to admit it, i'm still single, and had been single for 20 years of my life. sure, i'd been on a date once with a guy who loved me too much, but the whole dating process only lasted merely a night — to be exact it was only few hours — and soon after that night, i completely avoided him because it didn't work the way i thought it would. our friendship and 'relationship' is rather complicated. i had to admit i have some special feeling for him when we first met but it has completely died down by the time we went on date (which was like 1 year later). i was very desperate for a bf at that point of time. when i got back that night i felt so disgusted by myself for dating someone i don't love anymore out of desperation.

i was so clueless about everything. at one point of time i actually find myself digging every inch of my body for the courage to tell him my honest thinking but the more i do, the more i got lost in words. i couldn't risk losing and hurting someone who's a very good friend to me any further thus the persistence avoidance (or trying to escape, whichever term you prefer, because right up to this moment, i'm still as clueless as fuck) of bringing whatever issue that might change everything. and from that, i'd learnt that you don't and can't date someone you don't love just because of peer pressure, or because everyone is saying it, or because of your desperation to be in a relationship, or when you are not even ready to commit. these thoughts are fucking bullshit!

and back to june last year, i had a crush on a guy from my college whom i thought is the worst guy i ever met but the most lucky thing ever happened to me. if you've been following me for the past few months you could probably figured out i blogged about him very frequently. people say you hurt the person that loved you and love the person that hurts you, it's a ridiculous, nonsensical logic but the ugly truth. that's how we humans are. this guy, he's an intelligent dude that got every girls wanting him. sweet talk, flirt (although he didn't did it on purpose, i guess he was somehow gifted the talent because he didn't even need to try, a typical libran), caring, short, gentleman and friendly. those are the good qualities i see in him. sweet talk, flirt and short as good qualities. fuck my life. i wonder if i can get anymore desperate. and this whole worshiping and admiring crap totally gave way to my shitty results. i never know loving someone can be a such a painful thing. definitely not like those unrealistic you-pray-hard-then-you-will-get-happy-ever-after-crap i've seen in movies or dramas. reality sucks big time and it could probably rape your mind.

after a series of dramatic event i knew i had to get over him along with all the crazy and silly thoughts. i'd talk to my babes and they told me to forget him because he's not worth it (but i was lost. so lost. completely lost in my love for him. and i could barely take any relevant actions to what they said). they've seen me breakdown, cried and get so emotional because of him. i should be ashamed of myself, for i know i should've learnt the lesson when i got the knowledge of his feeling towards me but i'd choose to learn things the hard way. i tried and failed and tried and failed and tried and never success in eight months, when my heart finally sank and decided to absorb everything in. how irony is that coming from someone who had a heart so fragile yet can bear heartbreaks over and over again. everyone was telling me i deserve someone better, i'd like to take their advice sincerely but i doubt so. i'd made too many mistake in the past to deserve anyone anymore. at least that is what i think i deserve. i used to be someone who cheated on people's feeling, cheated their money and never even feel a tinge of guilt (well i used to be that bitchy when i was young). i believe in karma and soon it'll hit me back right in my face. i think not getting a partner that i love and loved me back is the price i had to pay.

and as for my current relationship, i think maybe i'm better off without a partner, because i cannot even handle my friendship (not even after 20 years of living experiences! maybe not the first few years but the rest, still, it's long enough to surprise myself) let alone a boyfriend. and to come to think of it, i'm not even ready to have one. i wouldn't hope, or even search for love so desperately like i used to be anymore. i truly believe the time will come and if he's mine, he will be mine.
for the time being i will just follow the flow and go wherever life takes me to.

whoa fuck that's a really long one.