i think some people just doesn't learn from their mistakes. mistake, doing it once is acceptable, twice is excusable, thrice is forgivable but definitely not the forth. i'm definitely not that kind of person who could forgive and forget someone easily because i take everything seriously but why haven't i take myself serious for once? i have been making great mistakes over and over again.

everything just keeps getting back at me after i had done something i shouldn't have. it's like falling into a deep black pit and all the shitty things i had done flashes across my face. one by one before my eyes, crystal clear, like the sea of maldives, like a diamond, a polished glass. 

of course i know expressing it here after i've done it doesn't help a single bit except the temporary relief for whatever faults i have done, and everytime after i blogged, i realized in a way i'm trying my best to talk myself into believing i'm actually a better person than i am and deserved all the good things i had but heck, this is exactly the reason why i'd do it again and again, because it really did make me feel better. because people who involved reads it, and forgives me. because i have taken these forgiveness for granted, and never want to change a single thing about myself but i never realize it will never change the fact that i had hurt someone. or pissed someone off. or caused someone a heart attack, and no matter how well everything turned out in the end, there's no way i can erase the scars left in their heart. and then things will change. people will start backing off and i will be consumed in my own selfish world.

what's done is done. it can't be rewind. i can't keep doing it and then write how bad i feel about myself in my blog and pretend nothing had happened and then do it again after some time. this cycle have to stop somehow. if it doesn't, i'm sure it would go to a point where people couldn't stand me anymore and leave. changing my attitude and behavior is definitely a big deal for me. of course it can't be done in a day or two. it takes time. some lucky dudes took just a few months. some took a few years, some might even take up a life time to learn about their own attitude and behavior. i promise i will try my best to change and i hope you have faith in me.

perhaps i shall consider myself lucky for having some friends who can bear my crazy emotions and unreasonable demands yet continue reminding me what's the right thing to do and guide me along my college years to make me a better person. they've been great help to me so to stop disappointing them, i shall take myself serious for once and never again repeat things i do not want to repeat anymore. this is going to be a mission. 

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