dear someone i used to love too deep,

this is the virtual form of letter i've been dying to write you; words i've been longing to tell you.

reminisce; all it ever did was tear me down. over and over again, i tried summing up your words and came up with a good reason that is persuasive enough. i find it funny that you didn't see how hard i have tried. but i find it even funnier that up to this very moment i still give a damn, when you are probably thinking the complete opposite.

as i write this, i tried to suppress my emotion and get my head clear. what was the ultimate reason that contributed to the downfall of our 'nonexistent relationship'? i could tell we are two very different individuals, we yearn different things and live different lives. what has been stitching us together is the attachment we thought we had all this while. are they even real? we tried forging it, and making each other important to ourselves, but the more we did, the further we drifted apart and the clearer we see of ourselves. are we even ready to commit to an immature relationship? or the compromises that we made would be all worth it even if it means nothing in return? maybe the changes that we had to make to adapt to each other lives weren't too welcoming, and the risks that we had to take were too much to bear thus our selfish self surfaced. i had to be frank though, your constant curiosity killed the passion. i questioned myself over and over again about the answer you wanted to know very badly but doubts keep emerging each time i did, as if to convince me to let go because i figured my answer will not shape our relationship status in any possible way. if you loved me deep enough, you will realize it will not lessen nor increase your affection towards me despite my attitude. of course i am not saying this to make you feel bad because i didn't want you to feel that way either. in fact, i felt sad to say this, each and every word written here, it hurt me as much as it did to you.

but then again, i am amazed by how good i disguised myself and able to fool everyone. i appeared as happy as ever after losing you — a choice i hesitate to make — like i have finally got rid of love burden but fact is, after the last few words in the messages you sent me, i realized you mattered. your words still matter even though i keep reminding myself that i've got over you. it hurt me so bad to read your texts. but it hurt me even more to see you live your life like before without a tinge of sadness or grief. i can't fathom the reason for your ignorance. it saddens me to think how we once developed a deep fondness for each other but ended up in this mess.

i don't know if this is a choice or fate, or both. but then again,  i won't wish away the bittersweet memories we both created in the past three months because then it would mean nothing had ever happened and i won't learn my lesson. i will always remember you as someone i admire and of course if you are reading this, i hope you would at least keep this memory as it is even if it means to tear you up and break you down. i wish i could tell you this in person but it seems like there won't be a place in our heart that could fit the awkwardness and regrets.  

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