all my life, i had countless major and minor crushes. i want to record every single details of how these people managed to attract me, and both the cool and not so cool individuality that ignite infatuation. but then again, i hesitate the idea because it made me feel a little shameful to admit to the world that my loyalty does not stick. after giving it some thought, i came to a conclusion; to write instead of keeping inside, because things like that are meant to be written. these beautiful — and sometimes painful — experiences are not to be experienced for the second time. i want to document it in words, rather as a memory in my mind. 10 years down the road when i read back these posts i might probably thank myself for betraying my dignity today.

how and where should i start?

i've been thinking over and over again, typing and backspacing, drafting and deleting, pondering whether or not to write this down, because the moment it was written, i know there's no turning back. i know i will fall deeper, and probably harder, into this particular person i am about to write. i don't know if i want to do it, or more precisely, if i can even do it.

the crush after L is nothing like the kind of guy i would get attracted to. not even half an inch of a body tatt, not having the tanned, manly look that i always opted for in a guy nor having a big, protective body. he is fair-skinned, an introvert with a pair of cute doe eyes that must've earned him tons of compliments. in short, he is the complete opposite version of the guy i like. i guess i'm blinded by love somehow. despite not having all the good qualities i see in a guy, i'm perfectly happy with who he is and love him for all the qualities he doesn't have. i guess when you are in love you just couldn't deny the power of love and what it could do to make you fall head over heels for this one guy you never thought would cross your mind.

it first started with a mild admiration for his talent — he is gifted with the talent of playing piano. i just got to admit it, i always find guys who appreciate musics very charming and sophisticated — until the crazy increasing amount of bumping into each other coincidentally everywhere. as creepy as it may sound, these coincidental bumps eventually led to a self-destructive habit, a desire i know i shouldn't have. 

frankly, i had never encountered anything like this before. i like to believe it's fate. four days in a row without fail and weeks before that. there was once when my babe and i waved each other goodbye and ready to go back to our respective home but just a second before we split, he appeared. it was a close call, yet we bumped into each other still. and another time at the pool when i was feeling insanely depress, fearing this beautifully twisted fate might be over as we haven't been bumping into each other for two consecutive days. to clear all these crazy thoughts off my head, i went to the recreational area down my block for some fresh air. just when i almost break down thinking everything isn't working the way it's supposed to be, i saw him in distant, swimming and playing around with his friends, in the pool. at that instant i felt like i'm alive again, like he was there to clear all my doubts i was having earlier. that was when i realized bumping into him is certainly the only thing i anticipate everyday since that week. everyday feels so crazy, like i have lost my mind, wrapped up in the thought of meeting him again to fill my void.

one day i bumped into him again on my way back home. casually we chatted a little and i got to know that he will be practicing piano in the college. i fought the urge to look for him after i got back. obviously i did not succeed. made a silly attempt to scare him in the music room and again, i did not succeed because he spotted me first. he then invited me to another room where he will be practicing. the room was noisy, crowded and awkward at first, but i felt relieved with a tinge of inner contentment after everyone left, leaving just the both of us in the room. somehow i felt more comfortable and had more time to study him when we are alone. each time he turned his side against me to play a song, i found myself tracing him secretly, admiring his best traits while sinking into the perpetual beauty of the melody. i love the serious look on him when he's so engrossed in playing a song, his awkward gestures and adorable squints, the sound of his laughter, the funny blur look on his bare white face (i secretly find it very affectionate), and of course the feeling of being together. we talked and laughed and he asked what song i want to listen he'll play 'em. i picked chasing pavements by adele. he tried to pitch the song, play the keys and laugh to himself at the same time cause he couldn't play it right away. "i need some time to pitch the song", he said and we both sort of had an unspoken understanding.

the following week, on a rainy thursday, i sneaked into the music room again just because i missed him too much. rainy days tend to make me miss him more. it aches me so badly to know i'm leaving here very soon and won't be able to meet or see him for half a month or so. i enjoy bumping into him as much as spending time together and all i know right now is that i didn't want to let this passionate feeling slip through my fingers because of distance and time. anyway, what surprised me so much is that he actually make an effort to play the song chasing pavements when i was there. he probably thought i didn't notice it but i did. it felt so great knowing someone actually take your words seriously. i let myself listen clearly to every key he played, felt a warm presence surrounded me. i can't help but to smile like the song was meant for me. i'm very sure i will learn this song too one day.

this is the first guy i spent so long to write about — writing and backspacing and writing and saving and drafting and deleting and drafting again — and yet i still get the feeling like it's unfinished. i had plenty more to write but i haven't sort out everything just yet. he's practically making me drunk each time i think about him, my brain is all messed up when i'm trying to recall and put each and every details of these beautiful experiences into words. but no matter what, i know i love you unconditionally, that's a fact sitting in the part of my brain that will never get messed up in a million years. i love you.

R

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