once again, i'm struck by insecurities. i'd actually felt that my presence is not at all important. and from my observation, no one really noticed / give a shit about it. everything seems so raw and surreal to me. i've seen familiar faces around but the fact that i couldn't blend in anymore does not excite nor upset me. people i used to know for as long as i'm here is slowly but surely drifting apart. what's worst is i don't feel the need to talk, or explain myself, or even tell anyone. it's definitely something i wouldn't be so positive about last two sem.

the new beginning doesn't seems like a good opening for me. i am fucking jealous and pissed off at the same time. how could the world be so unfair? i felt as though i'm slowly sinking into a deep sea, and in my living years i've collected enough karma in order to exchange for a chance to live but instead, someone who struggles hard but had done so many nasty and shitty things is being saved. and then i was let alone to be devoured by the sea. maybe it is for the better, and i had to take it as a lesson. but some other time i think, life is so unfair and all i wanted to do is to fuck it hard.

{with my bitchy bitch ♥ ; she looks like she could blend into the beach during sunset and i could blend into a baroque architecture. fashion nowadays! don't get me wrong though, i do love these pieces}

anyway dad, you would probably have a dropping jaw when you saw this. i haven't been noticing it until yesterday night, when i was in the bathroom. yes. i kinda miss the smell of your cigarette smoke in the toilet! even i couldn't believe myself. things i've hated all my life (the smell of cigarette smoke!!) had turned into something i'm so fond of. it reminds me so much about home. but it would never be the same anywhere. it would only smell good at home, just home.

besides, i've been having many thoughts lately that i eventually had insomnia thinking about them all day. i love doing it undoubtedly but having insomnia sometimes freak me out. forget about darkcircles, pimples and painful acnes, i could feel that my body is getting more and more unhealthy day by day. it's been a rough 2 months or so i've been having trouble sleeping at night. it would be great if i could catch a good, long sleep tonight so i'd be positive about everything tomorrow.

god bless.