i'm not supposed to be blogging right now (i can hear the piles of untouched assignments calling out for me) but goddamnit i can't help it i'm feeling fucking expressive and emotional. this shit has been bothering me for the longest time!

well, fuck you screweduplife!

i'm fucking not fine at all although i act like i am all the time.
i've had enough of my own emotional rollercoaster shit and all the troubles i throw myself into.

i can't believe i've spent half my life burying something that matters so much to me without myself even knowing because i'm trying to escape whatever i've been avoiding all these years. i didn't expect this is how i unfold it; in the midst of a conversation with my best buddy and what's worst is i never realize the truth can actually make such a big impact on me.

i'm always aware of the care and love i got from my parents are far less than my other 2 sibilings but i'd always thought it's because of my own behaviour. never in my entire life i realize the reason behind all that nasty behaviours are because i'm longing for my parents' care. well you know what? i can't be blamed completely for being rebellious. i'm not finding excuses to defend my wrongdoing whatsoever but this is exactly what i've experienced. this is what i've been through. having 2 siblings to share your parental love is way more terrifying than you could ever imagine. to top it off, everyone was telling me that the second child in the family get the least attention. i was constantly driven by the fear of unfair treatment and siblings inequality thus i acted the negative way to attract my parents' attention.

and the consequences? the more rebellious i act, the lesser attention i get; the lesser attention i get, the more rebellious i act. it's basically like a cycle. some sort of fucking cycle that i still confused about up till today. cause this is how the usual logic supposed to work: the more rebellious you act, the more attention you get. i'll make the assumption that my parents decided to give up on me because my 2 other siblings are way too good than me to not be loved. so instead of showering me with lots of love, they'd rather spend their time with the obedients. trust me it's fucking shitty. shitty enough to make you feel like you've abandoned by the world.

so what if i'm a rebellious daughter? does that mean i don't deserve any care? or love? haven't you think i have feelings? emotions? or times when you hurt me with your words? i'm not a robot made out of titanium. i'm made of skin and flesh with a fragile heart. i have feelings. i wanted sincere care and love but to think back now, you have given me none of these except constant depression in my early years (and that's probably the most important growing phase). it's utterly sad to think about and whenever i did, my heart broke into million pieces. why can't i have your meager sympathy at that time? i wasn't sure if that was what i deserved. i don't know if you know how i feel but you'd leave me broken hearted anyway. and as young as that, i completely doesn't know how to react only to cry, be more rebellious and always go against you, hoping to get some attentions without knowing it will make you hate me even more.

i cried and cried when pouring it all out to my best buddy. i feel fucking bad to think her that way because she hadn't been a bad mom to me — she'd never let me go hungry for a day at all — but i couldn't deny the fact that i never get her love as much as i deserve when i was young. i don't know what to do and my mind is trying to make sense of everything. the only thing that could really cheer me up now is undoubtedly the people around me. i feel grateful to have them around when i'm feeling down.

i ♥ you people! thanks for being by my side when i needed you!

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