"i think he's really not the one you should go for."

"why?"

"because just giving him a birthday gift and you have to go through so many decisions. if he doesn't like you, impossible you wanna make him to like you right? i mean even if you keep doing something to impress him. well, i don't know whether he will fall for you after you did it for some time, but do you think he will? maybe just take him as a crush?" 

"i know.. actually i plan to just take him as my crush as well.. and i never thought of getting together or expect anything from him, i know it's not gonna happen anyway. and man we're 7 years apart, i bet he only take me as his sister or niece or whatever he takes me as. but you know i really enjoy how protective he is sometimes, i just wanna have the privilege to enjoy it all the time.."

sigh. there. the fact. slaps me hard right in my face before i could even realize it. what was i thinking all this while? have i lost my mind? if asking for the privilege to enjoy the way he treated me before is not an expectation, then what is? what the fuck am i even saying. i never expect anything from him? bullshit. but heck! you never know loving someone can be that hard before you fell in love. it's easier said than done.

man i did try hard to forget the fact that i still do love him. i convinced myself that he ain't the right guy for me and that i shouldn't have fallen for someone who's 7 years older than me. i slapped myself hard so that i'm always reminded that he's my bestie's crush and i do not want to be the old selfish bitch i used to be again. i tried to talk to him like any other normal friend instead of someone special hoping that i won't suddenly recall him as my crush but it seemed to be unsuccessful most of the time. i even tried to talk myself into believing that i'll never have a crush for this long because the longest crush i used to have was less than two months.

but it all failed. i failed miserably fml. because it is NOT, in the slightest chance, possible. oh god. why? why am i so dumb? knowing he ain't the right guy but still acted like i didn't know and allow myself to fall for him over and over again?

i wish all this could just stop now and when i wake up the next day, i'll forget who he is, what he has done and how i'd fell head over heels for him.

Z

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